When was the last time you said 'I was there'?

Evie and I advertising for buckets :)

Koh Phangan obliterated all of my Koh Samui rejuvination and most of my holiday budget in 3 days of what can only be described as 'end of the world' party madness.

We had secured accommodation in Chaloklum, a sleepy part of the island on the opposite side to Haad Rin. This, in fact, was a blessing because if I hadn't escaped the debauchery for a few hours every day I may well have died. It's a pity that we didnt get to spend more time exploring and soaking in the pristine beaches, and everything else the island had to offer, but it was not to be.

To explain, while it was not full moon, every New Year Koh Phangan hosts a 'full moon' party anyway - this is Haad Rin at its most crazy! 30 000 people gather on the beach to see the clock hit 00:00. Shit seems to start up on the 30th (well that's when we started) and carry on right the way through to the 2nd.

There are a few vital bits of information you need to understand what goes down here:

Uniform: LUMO
It's pretty much your average 80s aerobics class. Lumo is lekker, flourescent is fly, just imagine you made sexy time with highlighters. There is loads on sale, along with UV beads, glow sticks and war paint. The more lumo the better - helps you find your tribe.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Buckets
Remember those bucket and spade sets from when you were little? Remember the sandcastles, and collecting shells, and filling the moat with water? Well forget all that because these little buckets will fuck you up! On average a bucket contains a half bottle of vodka/whiskey/rum, one can of sprite/coke/fanta, and one potent little bottle of Red Bull (apparently laced with amphetamines and illegal just about everywhere else in the world). Add a scoop of ice and voila, who needs drugs?
Mission: Survival
Yip, pretty much making it til sun up, and if you still have all members of your tribe accounted for when stumbling onto the Song Tao (read bakkie with open canopy) then bonus points.

Round 1
And so we set off on the thirtieth fresh as daisies, and just on a mission to get the lay, and then get an early night ahead of the celebrations - PAH!

At this stage i should tell you that our crew had doubled - Evie and I had been joined by Phia and Chantal, hardened veterans of the Thai party circuit but still Full Moon virgins. Chantal's island cred was doubled by her ownership of a 'koh phangan tattoo' - a large roastie/scab garnered from a motorbike accident. And Phia lumo-ed up from the get go in a fabulous orange dress. And se we were off, sharing a taxi with four more Chaloklum residents - 3 mad Canadians (ey) and a Croatian.

Arriving at the beach things were already falling apart - we defintely had that feeling of arriving late to the party. Shroom shake victims couldn't feel their faces, drunk boys had lost their shoes, and everywhere inebriated people were (literally) playing with fire. And so we bucketed up and entered the fray. The evening flew by in a blur of lumo tattoos, foam, Italians, Aussies, and inappropriate behaviour...It was seven in the morning, the sun was rising and we were climbing into a songthaew with three other South Africans (seven of us in total) and a semi stalker who looked a helluva lot like John Lennon. And there we were, hands clasped against our hearts, singing the national anthem into the phangan wind as we wound our way home.

Round 2
No one felt very smart the next morning, and this was not aided by mine and Evie's choice of breakfast, Macaroni Cheese like you have never witnessed before - 30cm long noodles in a watery tomato sauce with a sprinkling of cheese and an unidentifiable meat - Never Again!

But we had sucked it up by 7 and were headed back for more. We met up with our beloved Aussies, Meddie and Louise, at Mellow Mountain where they had certainly taken a turn for the mellow (and paranoid) but were soon cheered by our vivid presence. We were lumo to the max! And Chantal and Phia were like seeing double in a pink/orange vest and tutu combo. They were soon dubbed the Kardashians, despite the fact that the could not keep up, and we kept losing them.

The Kardashians with Meddie

A blur of buckets and beats led us up to the anticipation of the count down, and as we ended 2010 and entered 2011, our sacred sixsome was so in love with each other, we swore to be back together a year later. The beach then unleashed upon us their fire power and Evie was heard exclaiming "I'm in a dome of fire". We danced and jumped and jammed, and made new 'friends' and lost them again, and ended up bumping and grinding with our Canadian/Croatian crew until morning again. Meddie and Louise left us with tears and promises to reunite, and we lost a Kardashian to the night, so Phia, Evie and I made our way back home. Chantal returned home at lunch time with tales of drowning (she says in the sea, I maintain in a bucket) and we all vowed to never drink again.

Round 3

But come 9pm on the first and we were all ready for one last hurrah. we hooked up with the Canadian/Croatian connection and went to dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant in Haad Rin, where if it is possible the staff were more addled than we were. The post mortem of the previous evening unveiled suprises and gales of laughter, and before you knew it we were drinking again. We headed down to the beach, which looked like a refugee camp for some sort of natural disaster - so many lost souls, a lot of whom were newly tattooed (yikes). A little more dancing, and watching all the party victims and it was four in the morning on the second and time to put us poor kids to bed.

And so was the tale of Koh Phangan. It has taken me 9 days to get that much straight, but I am sure there will always be parts missing - probably washing up on the beach in Haad Rin with hundreds of unclaimed flip flops...

Again, more pics to be added when I can upload them

Aussies in Ang Thong

Picture of the sea taken by Meddie on our way back to Koh Samui, will add more pictures to this post when I can download them off my camera

Our Secret Garden was so beautiful, our beach so restful and secluded, that it was hard to work up the energy to leave it, but we (and by we I mean Lei our wonderful travel agent) booked a day trip to the Angthon National Marine Park. This cluster of 42 islands is about 90 minutes and a world away from Koh Samui, and just about one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.

We took an early boat with our tour operator, which was staffed by a host of real characters who handed out breakfast and sea sickness tablets. Evie did not take this as a good sign and so she took her pill and we headed for the upper deck. Thanks to my Dad I was brought up on boats and so am pretty much immune to sea sickness and have me some good, strong sea legs, and so while others lurched and groaned, I dangled my feet over the side and smiled into the sea breeze.

On the upper deck we found ourselves sharing a sun mattress with a pair of Aussies. Now we had already been made aware that the world was ridiculously small - the night before we had met some Northern English lads and discovered one lived around the corner from me in Earlsfield, and the other had recently visited SA to see family in Amanzimtoti (Evie's home town) - but nothing had prepared us for this. Our mattress mates were good naturedly mocking our accents while telling us typical things said by their token SA work mate, Bryce. They were recounting some ridiculous Bryce-isms when I said 'Hang on, Bryce McNamara?' and the said 'YES!' Ah! I know about one person in the whole of Oz and the know him too! And so it is that the universe ordained tht we should meet these insane Aussie beetches and so it was. So I introduce to Maddie and Louise, our island sistas sent to make everything doubly as funny, ridiculous and inappropriate. Maddie (or Meddie) can only be described as the love child of Madonna (Medonna) and DeeDee from Dexter's lab. The godesses blessed her with the most brilliant sense of humour, but to pay for this she was not granted a social filter, and therefore 3 hours with Meddie can be a little like reading a rather intimate medical history or love letter. She had us sharing horror stories in no time. Louise is a land lover. As soon as we were off the boat her green hue receded to reveal Greecian skin and black curls (damn her). Little did we know then, but this glamazon is a man eater of epic proportions. Phangan partiers didnt stand a chance (but this shall be revealed in good time). She also has the most contagious laugh in the world that rippled right across the water, reaching Evie and I in our kayaks.

That's right - kayaks! I haven't been in a kayak since a Spirit of Adventure camp in matric, but here we were maneouvering a giant green beastie about the water. But just in case you thought kayaking was a spot of fun - you are mistaken! Not with Herr Evie at the helm. Urged on by our German guide ('Do not use paddles as veapons') the usually placid Evie took on fuhrer proportions as she barked 'LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! RIGHT!' and insisted we 'win' - no medals, no trophies, no one noticing, but we won anyway.

It was exhilirating though, and when I fell out of the boat, legs and arms like jelly, I was glad to have done it. After collapsing on the beach for a while we made the trek up a set of treacherous MacGuiver type stairs for ten minutes to reach an amazing view point over looking the island and a gorgeous lagoon. I am a city dweller, and living surrounded by my towers of concrete and wondering at man's Art and Architecture, its so easy to forget that nature had that ability first - the ability to take our breath away. And so we contemplated and marvelled and then headed back to the boat for a simple Thai lunch and a little cruise to our final beach.

The four of us collapsed on the beach for the afternoon, three of us lost in the swaying palm trees, Meddie just fearful of death by coconut. It was an afternoon of laughter and plotting for the reunion and madness that would happen on Koh Phangan...

Kicking back in Koh Samui

To attempt to formulate some sort of narrative out of our time in Koh Samui would be madness. It was too varied and full, and attempting to impose a story structure on it would make it into the blog equivalent of showing someone your holiday snaps - boring! (I will be doing this to some of you when I get home though)

Koh Samui was my first real taste of Thailand, and what a way to start. Evie says it is by far the friendliest island she has been on, and really everyone we met was lovely and helpful. The Secret Garden was on the quietest stretch of beach, fringed by coconut palms leading onto white sandy beaches and blue waters. Our room was simple with a balcony where we could sit and enjoy the sea breeze, and chat away the hours. Our first full day there we swam and sunbathed all morning - the first time I had done that in years. My poor pasty skin got a bit of a shock at the sight of the sun and all my little, long forgotten freckles appeared one by one, like stars in the sky.

We found the most wonderful travel agent lady called Lei, who booked our passage to Koh Phangan and our accommodation there as well (we procrastinators left it to the least minute and thought we might be speed boating to and from the NYE Full Moon Party) which meant we could relax about where to next. SHe also organised us a trip to Angthong National Marine Park - more about that later...

One of the highlights of my time on Koh Samui was our visit to an incredible spa (I will remember the name of it later, but right now the brain is fried). Having heard of the wonders of Thai massage (no happy endings thanks) I was keen to get one, but Evie refused to let me first experience of this wonderful art be from some woman who sat on her stoep screaming 'mahsaaaaase' and who would then continue watching TV and chatting to her friends while you attempted to reach your zen state. So, we choose a fancy shmancy spa, which sent an air conditioned taxi to fetch us, and from the moment we set foot in there we were queens. After choosing our oils (a forest blend) we were led upstairs where our feet were washed in beautiful scented water and we changed into wraps. Our massages took place under a wooden gazabo draped with mosquito netting a few feet from the sea. The massage was a combination of swedish aromatherapy and traditional Thai massage and after the week's travelling toils was precisely what I needed. The setting was so restful and the sound of the waves so calming that I felt everything slip away. It lasted 2 hours and cost 2300B (approximately 50 quid) - well worth it.

And so while the main point of our Samui stay was relaxation and rejuventation, we did have one night of total, debaucherous indulgence. We ventured out from our sheltered beach paradise into the fray of the Samui night life. Chaweng is the hedonistic heart beat of Samui. Picturesque white beaches are lined with tourist filled bars. Music beats and blasts out of each one, blending to create a cacophany added to by the shouts of stall holders and lady boys. The lady boys strut their wears up and down crowded streets, hollering at tourists. The young ones are dresses ala Pretty WOman in tight mini skirts and thigh high boots, but as they age they add head dresses, sequins and sparkles. The older the face the bigger the head dress. The calls melt into the haggling and bartering sounds of the market. We follow a strand of good music, through the thumping base into an Aussie bar called Bondi, where an all Thai band were playing incredible rock covers. Island Rock played everything from Led Zeplin to ACDC, and they played it well. We bopped along for a few hours drinking ice cold Singhas and meeting a rather strange selection of people, until the bar shut ans we were turfed out into the night once more, so sad to leave our new favourite band.

Now if we had been smart at this point we would have headed home with a good night out behind us, but oh no! We poured out of Bondi and into the Chaweng night, keen to keep the party going. This led us to follow the crowd of drunken sheep to the entrance of Sound Club. The beats and lounge furniture outside did nothing to prepare us for what we would find inside - a heaving, sweating beast of a trance party. I was totally floored by the mix of crazy dancing, bumping and grinding, and the hook ups taking place everywhere. There was a host of pretty Thai girls, and an equal number of horny tourists. By this point we were off our faces and trying to aclimatise to the electro thumping out of everywhere, but I am still pretty sure I could figure out what was going on here.

But we closed our eyes and let the beats take us somewhere primal. Perhaps all in preparation for the carnal carnage of Koh Phangan...

One way ticket to Hell and back

Scenery rushing past our train window

I lie awake thinking of Christmas nights passed. In SOuth Africa they are spent floating in a cool swimming pool, drinking with family and friends.In London spent in the warm indoors playing charades and cards, laughing over mulled wine. This Thai one was spent in a 1930s train with the noises of 40 other poor, unfortunate passengers in various states of sleep.

This was not what we had envisaged - we were promised a first class sleeper cabin, know we knew to take this with a pinch of salt but no one had mentioned industrial air con and flourescent lighting, the uncanny resemblance of our bunks to prison cells or the long drop toilet that probably had its last clean when Thailand was still Siam. We were not lulled to sleep by the gentle rocking of the locomotive, but prevented from it in a cruel form of torture which included screeching, grinding and frequent sudden stops. And so it came to pass that we spent Christmas night eating nachos and haribos, anti bacterialing everything and laughing hysterically at our own misfortune.

In my prison bunk

After finally nodding off in the early hours we were unceremoniously pulled from slumber with shouts of wake up wake upand made aware that we were running 2 hours late... And so we had more time with the cackling staff who were having a party in the seats next to ours.

By the time we got off we were eagerly anticipating our Samui hideaway, the ocean and some clean sheets. But our limbo was to continue for a further 3 hours: Bus, Ferry, Minibus. And so ended the intermeniable journey, with a happy ending like all good fairy tales. Secret Garden is a paradise - palm trees, white sand, a gently rolling ocean. The gardens are humming with butterflies and secret buddahs sit around cool ponds choked with water lilies. We ordered our first real meal since Christmas, a couple of cocktails and everything else dissapeared. Sometimes life is about the destination and you have to do your damndest to forget the journey.

And so later, as we wallowed in the wonderful sea water, our hair spread out about us like mermaids, we saw a plane landing in the distance... Why the fuck didn't we fly?!

All I want for Christmas is this...

Thanks to Mr Gareth Bright for this beautiful photo...Best present!

I arrived in Bangkok on Christmas eve. Days of delays at Heathrow (read third worl ghetto) and dealings with the incompetence of Air India staff had made for frayed nerves and an occasional and slightly off putting twitching in my left eye. Twenty four hours of travel however ended in the most joyous reunion between me and my dearest friend Evie (Aka Tangerine Tree). As she navigated our way home through Bangkok's bustling stations, across its rammed roads, I felt the tolls of the trip leacing me, as I anticipated cracking open a bottle of duty free Baileys and a few bottles of Chilean merlot. After a quick (much needed shower) and change it was off to a Christmas Eve party at Eden's house. Eden lives in the same building as my Tangerine and had decked her house it in much festive spirit. THe evening was a wonderful blend of old and new friends - reconnecting with some people I hadn't seen in years (Gareth and Jamie) and meeting others for the first time (Eden and Chantal). What started off so civilised - we were even served some soup - soon turned into the kind of gathering where every conceivable drink was poured, every drop drunk. We reminisced, fought about music and introduced each other to new stuff (Gareth and Evie thanks for Lissie, Jamie don't forget about Darwin Deez) shouted over each other and went on a midnight booze run and had an argument with a dildo wielding neighbour (rather don't ask). Needless to say none of us were feeling very clever in the morning. But it Christmas! And so we soldiered through our brutal hangovers, put on some Christmas rokkies and headed off to a beautiful buffet style lunch at The World restuarant.

Silly season could not be a more apt description. The four of us - Yvie, Gareth, Eden and myself, were at that point of hangover where it was only possible for us to make sense to each other. The plethora of dishes and delicacies had us stupified, the view of Bangkok held us spellbound. As we fed the legacy of the night before we took advantage of our lack of adult supervision and added totally inappropriate behaviour and toilet humour into the festive mix.

Despite the nausea and inconceivable thirst, Gareth and I were in adventurous spirits and so decided we would try oysters for the first time, Aphrodisiac?! I think not! Nothing turns you OFF faster than a boger that tastes like the ocean's ass! This is one taste I will never acquire. Later we all had a little egg nog for the first time and here was a gamble that paid off. The potent alcohol/egg mix made me a fire breathing dragon and certainly took the edge off. We munched our way through prawns and cheeses, salads and soups, roasts and desserts (including a magical ginger bread house). Spoonerisms were the entertainment of the day, with our muddled brains producing such fine examples as eye braai (a South African eye brow?) and plitter (the love child of poppy seeds and glitter). We left our gastronomical adventure several kgs heavier and full of festive spirits with the need to put our food babies to bed. This was the most unusual and yet merry Christmas, but the traditions were over and Evie and I were about to haul our backpacks across Bangkok and take what from here on shall be known as the Hell Train..,

To be continued...